Moving on
Originally uploaded by: Eric Rolph
In the middle of my day at work, I reluctantly told myself of the decision I had to make that had been stabbing at me for some time, “Can I blog again?” I stated in a whispering voice.
I arrived home, looked down at my little screen and exhaled. “Well, I know I’m not gonna last much longer with this hiatus“. I fought constantly about what I’d promise and it seemed like in one short span of time, “it surely be alright to smoke and blog again”. I’ve like, seen this so many times before, I’ll pulled myself one night and found out things actually comes back as they normally seemed to be. It’s not about throwing off my clothes and write a sticky post in my screen that says: Do not touch the keypad. Do not click on the connections. Do not make a coffee. I’ve given it serious thought though as I got it all planned out, it’s probably okay to blog again, okay to enjoy coffee and okay to ocassionally smoke. Oh, how about my smoking?
Fearing about my blogging ritual returns - it dramatically forced me to sat down and explain myself, I asked, why am I running away? It’s been days of flying like a horsefly but did I really get into a place where I wanted myself to be?
What do I do now?
I’ve done a lot of chores lately and even tried moving my typing desk near my little window just to feel the sunlight that penetrates during the sunny afternoon and cheered it all up by removing the cluttered display on top of my bulky Sharp TV. This was too easy, I thought to myself. Sometimes talking to my head is like trying to have a conversation with a rock. “So, what’s the deal?” I asked.
I’ve learned, something based on what you said on my previous post, a lot about myself actually. My mind is like a big sponge absorbing all your words and realized that a lot of us really talk outside our own mouths like little voices that runs around in our head, a symbol of the relationship between our individual selves and the outside world. As I tap the side of my head with my fingers I thought all these hiatus & quitting is just all in my head - between my ears, plain and simple. Eventually, I figured out that I can actually communicate these things about myself to myself - and that’s how I supposedly become independent and self-reliant.
I let out a deep sigh. The last thing I wanted to do being on a hiatus is to stop thinking the words I said, “I’m quitting”. Yes, I did for days, few many times, felt great, at least for the time being. I actually feared it’s coming back, being away from this blog doesn’t help much at all. Sometimes I just don’t know what to make of it. I’m feeling like going to lose it, it passes in a while and tried to keeping the things I said. I suddenly faced a situation where I just couldn’t snap my fingers anymore and had it instantly taken care of, and said, “perhaps deal with it next time”. It’s somewhat like I’d never want to end up knowing where my next meal’s coming from. It wasn’t really easy locking yourself inside, feeling frozen, because you have never experienced anything better. I’d just let it be - getting rid of my smoking could actually last for 5 hours, even a day, two, three but it’s already giving me a bad day out there. I mean, look at the news, everytime I turn on my TV, there’s this killing, I feel like all that.
In the days that follows, I became obsessed with something, like tuning on a Monster RX radio, I felt surprisingly calm, listening to old songs could actually exhaust the every inch of myself day after day after day. Taking the time listening to the old songs, my mind became a camera, snapping shots of the endless life I had in my past, bright lights, greenery that complimented a very laid back of every home in the province, you know those kind of stuff. My ears picked up the slightest sound of thousands of leaves rustling from a gentle breeze singing from The Past. I’d put on my jasmine tea candle, hoping my flat would absorb the sweet smell. And whatever burdens from my everyday dilemmas that at times seemed to cling to me, all suddenly fell away. For a moment, I felt ten feet taller. All I could do was thank myself that I didn’t push it completely in avoiding the coffee or the monitor in the next few minutes.
And yet, it was all so normal for me. Get up, go to work, do my job, between tea & dinner time, in the canteen, reading books stolen from the tiny glass cabinets, wherever. Blitz home, change clothes, to the kitchen, washing Ginger was the craziest thing to do, but I did managed - I accidentally cut his poor sharpy nails too deep that made him bleed all over the bathroom floor (poor cat, but he’s looking damn good at least), cleaning away the molds everywhere - that I suspect was making me sneeze triple times, all the time. I’d become a busyboy at the end of Wednesday. I worked on the weekends so there was no comparison whether it was supposedly a party or housechores. Work hard, work fast, don’t stop, don’t quit, don’t think, just do the job.
At least when I worked, I felt less guilty about not blogging. It did not constantly pushed myself to extremes on a daily basis, so I just let it run the normal way. I was not even yearning for friends who only then calls you when there’s a party to go. I hate the idea of spending the night outside as you walk enroute, you’d thought that the amount of fumes in a bar wasn’t as healthy as puffing your own cigarette.
The next day while my head lowered in shame, I confessed that I had somehow, accidentally said ‘quitting’ was so early. But I’d actually didn’t smoke like I used to. I’d forced on taking more water while all the late evening, I’d been Skyping with my family. Yet part of me still couldn’t help myself. At work I was intensely focused to the point of being overly productive, excited about not thinking what to do when I get home but during the rare time off, the moment I sit at the cafeteria, my other persona took over.
So I said, I love blogging - any form of conversation online. I admire people who seemed to shine me to having the anticipation of writing to my next adventure in blogging, I said, “Ok, out with it”.
I didn’t choke myself, for once and thought, being away did something right, at least just a few days, a week I think. I wouldn’t even think I’d be going away for a long time. I’ve succeeded, even if I failed of deleting the smoking entirely, I had found a sense of calmness.
Apparently, I suddenly become infamous (ahem!) as many of you have probably been tsk-tsking where I went. I feel this blog have become a place to hangout, that’s why I couldn’t stay away. At times when many of us would just want to write or read without even uttering a word, I figured, I’m only few feet off the ground. And if ever I fall, I’d just have to grab on to a branch to break it. I thought this may have been the reason of my monotony in blogging. And by coincidence, I felt I had just completed military training back in College by allowing to spend my weekend time with the Royal’s in England. It was then that I began to develop my individuality, conveying the dramas and happenings outside the University of Blog.
I can’t believe I am tapping my keyboard once again.
Well kids, here are my favourite songs from the The Past that I’ve been listening over and over again - rediscovered by the super talented, super performer, excellent Filipino singer named Jed Madela who won the GRAND CHAMPION PERFORMER OF THE WORLD.
Download them for FREE. If you like them, grab it. Just click the music link and you will be redirected to the download page. These links will expire in 7 days. Let me know if there’s any broken links. Enjoy!
1. Can’t Cry Hard Enough
2. For The First Time
3. Forever Blue
4. Home
5. Beauty and Madness
6. How Can I Fall
7. I Believe In You
8. Let Me Love You
9. Love Always Finds A Way
10. The Past
11. More Than You’ll Never Know
12. Right Next To Me
13. The Search Is Over
14. Changes In My Life
15. Only Reminds Me Of You
I Won’t
by: Keri Noble
Now that you have read my post, why not leave a comment? That’s the most coolest thing EVER! Still bored? Read more from the ARCHIVES.Thanks for the visit.
Visited 127 times, 1 so far today
Hi sidi, you still can upload the song files here.
Let me know if they are the songs that you like. Cheers!
hi k! i think im late already! hehehe… can you upload jed’s songs again? pleeaassee????? i loooove all his songs and ive been looking in the net for so long! please grant my request. thanks!
p.s: cool blog! ^^
And after a while, we are back and we learnt. Life is always like that, I suppose.
“There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.”
So don’t forget to smile.
I’m gad ur back k. dunno what to do if u suddenly decide to pull the plug. it’s like losing a friend or sum1. haaay. i wont let u! i’ll miss ginger, ur songs, ur b/w pics, pics by the mirror, corny jokes, cocommenting, haaay.. dont go k.. pls.
True. I’m doing exactly what you said. I find it rather funny that I had to keep “leaking” everytime I glug a glass or two before bedtime. It pisses me off sometimes that I had to climd down from my loft and run to the bathroom. I hope I’ll get used to it.
K, here’s more water! I respect your decision. You have to do these things when you feel the time is right, and sometimes it just isn’t. I do not work well with deadlines like that if it is to be a life-changing event.
I noticed he really got scared with that ’shower with nail clippings’. He stood aloof and doesn’t anymore play in my sleeping-couch. Normally I’d put on a sticky packing tape around the furniture (I know, silly of me) to trap him from resting in there - but then now that he’s hiding under the bed, I kinda miss the time when I usually arrived home, you’ll see him having a nap while covering his face with his stinky paws.
You mean a kick in the @ss. :p
But it’s good to trim regularly, keeps you safe from being clawed to death in your sleep. You might want to consider getting him Soft Paws. Cat as well as furniture friendly.
Hahaha Pari, honestly I felt guilty for taking him the shower. I was rushing to get him the cut before he “wolverized” myself by his spikey teeth and sharp claws but he was alright a few hours later, cats has 9 Lives I supposed.
I need a pat in the ass. har* har* har*
I always liked your introspective takes. I think there is nothing to feel guilty (if you’re feeling a tinge of that, let it slide!) etc about about taking a break… though I’m guilty for not updating as often as once upon a time. Heh!
So can I say it was about 10+ days of “Quitting?” *pat on back* How’s your physical well being during that period?
Anyway, welcome back! :]
Ginger looks traumatised….
“… any violent reactions to the nail-clipping”
He was meowing all day because of that. I didn’t know whatelse to do so I’d usually put more food on a bowl and make him feel adored. How’s that for a cat?
waheeey!! you’re back!
and Ginger is so cute. it’s a good thing he didn’t give any violent reactions to the nail-clipping
hahaha Gracie, you guys are so funny - been listening to her for quite some time. I even made a post about her when I first heard of her music. She’s quite a talented artist really.
tito k! just to let you know …
thomas, bianca and i were dancing to Corinne’s Put Your Records On … we played the song 5 times and continously danced! it was crazy! a crazy Sunday afternoon indeed!
tito K! goodness gracious you have Corine in your playlist! had her voice the whole afternoon! very nice … have to get her CD!
mwah!
Thanks Kerryn, I know being on a hiatus was kind of a cliche, but out of everything bad, something good sprouts. My scared ginger is now looking adorable after that ‘painful shower’.
Poor Ginger…
Just joining the chorus to say that it’s good to see you back K!
hi Jack, it was so brave of her to do that in a matter of weeks. She has a very strong personality towards the quitting. In my case, I don’t want to do that if I want permanent results, unless I am absolutely sure in my abilities to resist the cravings and post-smoking stress. I must really be very consistent on doing this but not requiring myself to stop it immediately.
I’m seeing results tho’ that I smoke less now when I blog. Keep filling my glass of water please. Thanks, Jack.
Water is definitely good, to clear the system. C. is doing pretty well and her smoking urge has practically disappeared after a week, so it can be done. But like I said, even the reduction is a good thing and it is a step in the right direction.
I had a beautiful week, Gracie, sus it’s not even a month hiatus.
I knew you’ll love the music. We pinoys are so into it ‘no? masyadong Karaoke but so meaningful. It makes us want to return from the past and makes us express more of ourselves. Naalala ko parati yung break-ups, tampuhan and the super barkadahan.
Good to “see” you back too.
well, well, well, look who we have here … Superman Returns!
you know what i felt when you were out for sometime? that feeling that Ben Aflect felt in the movie Good Will Hunting when he knocked on the door of Matt Damon’s house and he wasnt there …
i knew you had to be in your own world and just let all these go by and figure out what to do … i’m always happy to hear from you and i’m really glad your back “again” … still i want to say that you can always take time out every now and then if you need to …
PS: salamas sa handog mong mga kanta sa akin … one of the songs, The Past, brought “memories” … twas nice to go memory lane, thanks for giving me that moment
It’s good to be back. I admit I was feeling depressed and had many thoughts about various things - it tends to create a small box around and it locks me in, so I thought ‘going away’ for a short while can help and it did - I felt an inner and outer glow and a big sense of release.
Yep, nice to “read” you again, K!
Good to see that you are feeling better.
Hi Asha, glad you love the music. I was kinda attached to them when I wrote these “I’m back” post. I asked, am I destined to be alone even within my dreams? Am I suppose to say I’m fine when all the inside all I hear is screaming?
So I think blogging helps me write my thoughts on how I am supposed to be living.
Promise, I’ll write and put more records on. Cheers!
Don’t you ever be naughty and do things like that, alright? *mummy tone* I’ll smack your butt so hard you have to stand and type for the rest of your blogging life!
Hehe, welcome back K. Thank you for the songs… i didn’t know singers like them existed.. i mean, i haven’t quite explored the ‘asian music’ yet. Thanks for the introduction, i’m lovin it. Hmm, perhaps one day, i’ll sing a filipino song for you. If i can do chinese, no problem with filipino I guess. Tsk.
Hi Mr Mick, reading few novels really helps. I tend to believe that we are attracted to what we like most in ourselves but often afraid to look at. Well at least, I’m becoming more disciplined and it was such a good relief.
Nice to “see you” again.
Look forward to many more posts.
Glad you find a calm — its an amazing thing to find, is it not?
No patches needed Jack, good rest and water helps a lot. I’m slow at this but I’m getting in there.
Any reduction in your smoking is a good thing, K, and welcome back!
Hey Princess, use ‘Knoizki’ for my Sykpe/Yahoo/Gmail - you can catch me on a few weekend and expect an ugly bastard peeping in your webcam (and that’ll be me). Promise, no butt-naked showing.
Check on the “media” page of this blog and I made a link to download all Jed Madela’s song. I have few more of those but will do that next time. You can just use my playlist here while you’re online or simply download them for your iPod.
I know, it’s good to be back, thanks!
finally you have come to your senses. I guess you just needed to break the routine of blogging and rediscover the joy of it. I’m glad you didn’t quit.
At least you did something productive during those days on hiatus e.g. cleaning Ginger, the house, getting rid of clutter, reading a book, and almost but not quite quitting smoking.
You have skype pala. Email me your skype name and I will add you in my list so we can chat. The post card I will send on Monday. I wasn’t able to send it in Antalya.
Thanks for delivering the songs above right to my blog. How do I keep it permanently? I like them senti songs
welcome back, K!
Thanks Charles, like I said before, I’m a regular poster and I ocassionally just share what’s happening around me - there are lots to think about. Given the number of excellent, good-looking people willing to spend time reading and contributing comments, makes blogging more interesting. I think I was burnt out a bit and backing off for a while helped in any way so here I am ‘fresh on boat’.
Hello K! It’s nice to see you back since I do miss you. Probably you just need another blogging inspiration so you’ll never think of going into hiatus again. Anyway, I love Beauty and Madness. It’s on my treo on my mp3list.
My pleasure Yuri, didn’t mean to make you cry. You’ll listen to them over and over at maalala mo ako nyan.
Cheer up and have a nice flight!
k thanks for the songs. touch ako.sobra. anyway, will leave jow and thanks for making me cry. got to run. will read ur entry as soon as i get back.