Orginally uploaded by: KnOizKi

My flat is getting more smaller. A new junk is added to my “family”, an old couch from my Auntie. She couldn’t keep it but does not want to dispose it. Infact she insisted I should keep it until she finds her new apartment. Or sell it? Who would want a second hand furniture?

This flat are filled with objects from my parents when they left HK for good. Now that I’m living all by myself, I’ve become obsessed with other things. It’s odd, I know. I don’t collect things, I simply like them. In short, what do you call a house without a desk, a table, a rubbish bins, a microwave, a drawer, a wine rack, my not so hi-tech TV set, a 4ft. refrigerator? Whatelse? Even the things I don’t need lives in my flat. It’s turning into a thrift shop. Sometimes it upsets me. Everywhere I look there are objects. Boxes, boxes, open cabinets and drawers, piles of things on top of other things. I can’t breathe for all the things.

Can I have a flat full of savings? Mix the detergent with a little water to keep a tiny bubbles as I wash my big plate? Should I need to open my windows freely without using my airconditioning and let the summer dust attacking me? Do I need to sit on the floor as I watch my CSI? Does it worth to buy stuff other than a toilet tissue? Bills are probably not my favorite things to get in the mail, but even if I want to save on the utility bill, life so it seems becomes so expensive. The more I save, the more it looks like I’m being choked in the wallet. Nothing like peace of mind if I stare in the house full of nothing. Will I survive it?

Looking back, I’m investing in a place to live without acutally owning it. It looks like I’m just out for college and on my own. No, I think I’ll going to handle it all by myself. I’m not entirely sure this is true to say I can but it doesn’t really matter. I have to pay the rent to be able to live and enjoy the life in this city. A place for me, to eat, to sleep, to enjoy a little homey outlook. A home is also something that will become part of my community. Yes I do enjoy being inside rather than going out and sure spend the fun with friends. It may not be quite that whole “circle-of-life” thing, but renting a flat is a bigger deal than you might think!

Before I moved to this apartment, I disposed a lot stuff already, I packed the old ones and sent them home. But once I got rid of the old ones, I easily get the urge of filling the space again. Do I really need all of these? How I wish I just eat in a styrofoam, sleeps in a folding blanket, eats without a table by holding the plate with my dear hands. A laptop doesn’t mean I blog in my lap. I’m making it sure that I have extra room for this, an extra space for my coffee and an ashtray. How about the laundry? The winter clothes, the summer clothes and those shoes? I don’t use many of them but the molds starting to grow in it. I can’t even get rid of my old Armani jeans even if they were out of style. There are many in my drawer to take home incase I’m not living here in HK anymore. I wouldn’t agree of sending them right away or my mother would just give it away to my cousins. “Ma, they are expensive jeans”. She can practically sell them in few bucks than completely giving it for free.

Few years back, I learned that even our parents has a lot of things stored in a box. “Can we get rid of this”? I asked my brother while I packed a box to go for the salvation army. It was a hundred pieces of old vynil from my Dad. This is something I would never use, not even for a laugh. But I feel bad for everything that goes to the ‘get rid of’. I found things I had no idea my father had ever owned at all. Sometimes you just want to keep the things that looks totally rubbish. I know it’s silly, but it allows me some perspective about the things of which I’m so fond of. I collect the same kind of stuff, that is, music CD.

In the early years of living by myself, I picked up few things from the thrift shop or most of the time, I visit IKEA and buy something just to fill my bachelor’s apartment. A wooden GORM shelving unit to keep my wines, a wooden pine clothes organizers for my underwears, a wall-mounted drop-leaf table and few other IKEA. It’s like I keep a dozen of noodles, instant recipes for instant appetite. The fact that my mother loves going in there to buy kitchen wares, makes me think that whenever she goes in the kitchen, she would then pop out any minute, with a food ready in the table. I find it charming. She gave us this thought that a house without a food is like a family without children to feed.

Here on my first night being alone, I find myself studiously avoiding the kitchen. I can’t explain why, but I feel afraid of the fact that I don’t want to cook for myself, eat the food I made and sits in the table by myself or be infront of the TV. I would cry for four or five minutes like an idiot. I cried because no one’s there to cook for me anymore. I cried because the food would never taste like mother’s choice anymore. I completely lost it. But what can you do?

Would you keep things in the house even if you think they give no more values to you? Everything else, anything that anyone would want to display up in their house, anything that anyone would want to snigger at or gush over, are to be thrown away and put it on the ‘get rid of’ things? How would you feel?

On the lighter side, I think I would enjoy the couch for now, I want to relax and think things over when to get rid of the other stuff. I am too tired to even look at them.

Within Me
by: Lacuna Coil

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